“I am just grateful I found my tribe”.
– Kevin Van Valkenburg, a member of my tribe
I met him four days prior heading the opposite direction as we began our trip together riding the rental car shuttle at Raleigh Durham airport to pick up our ride for the next few days. Now there he and I were after four days of hundreds of golf swings, countless jokes both face to face and in group texts, and many many libations prepared to say goodbye and more importantly “see you later”. Who is he? Well he’s The Cheetah Man to me. He, like the rest of the internet strangers who were a part of those wonderful four days of golf in Pinehurst, North Carolina is a member of my tribe.
When I came into the game of golf in 2015 I had no golf buddies. I mostly played by myself or with random people that I would get paired with on the first tee or throughout the round. Yes, I was playing the game of golf, but I was lonely. I didn’t have a group of buddies who have been playing together for years and went on trips together. I didn’t have a set foursome every Saturday that has been playing together since junior golf and will continue to when your age and the scorecard total come closer and closer. I quickly found myself completely and utterly addicted to a game, and it didn’t seem that anyone else around me was as smitten for it.
Then in 2018 I found a community of folks who seemed as crazy as I am for the game of golf. A community of fellow golf sickos; a designation I give in pure admiration. A place called The Refuge.
From an open letter I wrote to the No Laying Up guys on their message board The Refuge in July 2019:
When I started seriously playing the game of golf a few years ago I felt like I was alone. I felt like the way that I looked at the game of golf was very different from the way that the few other people that I knew that played approached the game. Very quickly I became obsessed with learning about courses I was playing and discovering what about particular courses/holes made me enjoy playing them.
In an internet message board I found friends, both locally here in New Orleans, LA, but also across the United States and even as far as Australia. From guys like Harrison and Christian who I play with regularly to others like David who joined me for an afternoon round as he was on a year long RV trip around the country with his wife to Casey who drew me in Secret Santa and sent me the Bourbon Refuge Society glass I am sipping some Michter’s from right now.
Within the community of raved golfers everyone has a space. For those who are serious into golf architecture and history there are countless threads on various courses, architects, and half joking but at the same time extremely serious debates about Top 100 lists. During quarantine things such as trivia night popped up and became weekly events in the community. Don’t have any golf friends to play with on a regular basis? I was guilty of that one. Well, there are threads for anywhere and everywhere you can think of to find someone to join you for a round of golf.
Cafeteria tables is the way that I described it in an episode of the Trap Draw podcast earlier this year. Like out of the movie Mean Girls there’s a cafeteria table where everyone feels like they’re with their fellow sickos of whatever topic, but unlike the movie we don’t get into fights where the other tables… often. For me they would have to be Cooking, Refuge Bourbon Society, Refuge Wine Society, and Parenting. Not too much of a surprise that a blog post about golf on a food blog is going to include the areas surrounding food on the golf message board.
Still don’t feel like there’s the exact right space for a topic you want to discuss. All you have to do is create it. The Refuge may be owned and operated by No Laying Up, but it is kept alive by us and all of our internet golf friends.
There I was on the putting green atop the hill that overlooks the first hole of Southern Pines Golf Club in Southern Pines, NC surrounded by strangers from an internet golf message board who all were quickly becoming friends. One by one what started out as a handful of us Donnybrookers grew into a group of almost sixteen. Looks of questioning and cautiousness on each person’s as they walked up to the putting green quickly turned into smiles and hellos as NLU branded towels, hats, and head covers announced that you found the group you agreed to meet for a round of golf through the internet.
Over the next few days thirty friends, some old and many new, walked the grounds of Pinehurst chasing the little while ball around in the game that we all love. I walked the hallowed fairways of Pinehurst No. 2 with three fellas who I would be happy to play with anytime; so long as they are ok with me walking over into the magnificent pine trees to look for my ball. I strolled around The Cradle with three wedges, a putter, and no range finder with three other awesome guys and then ran up to the green of the No. 3 punchbowl as what would have been my first hole in one (yes I know it wouldn’t really be a hole in in) was being yelled to go in by another Donnybrooker who I hadn’t even met yet at that point.
Within a few minutes of meeting everyone who attended this trip the question would undoubtedly come up, “What’s your Refuge handle?”. Attaching the online alias to a face and subsequently removing the title of ‘internet golf’ from in front of friends. In this connected world that we live in now I have met many of my closest friends on the internet. So why shouldn’t this tribe of golfers that I am honored to be a part of any different?
I have heard many times that golf is a great way to get to know someone because for three to four hours on the golf course you can see who someone is. If that is the case then spending three to four days with someone at a golf resort will probably tell you more than you really want to know about them.
Like summer camp as a child naturally you become close with people and form a close friendship; hoping to see them again in the future as you both part ways and go back to your respective homes. As someone who had never attended one of the big golf outings put on by NLU or folks in The Refuge I was initially caught off at the reunion of friends at the beginning of the trip. Just as there were handshakes between strangers meeting there were big hugs between friends from coast to coast who may have not seen each other in over a year since the last trip they went on together. Reflecting now on that scene makes me even more eager to go on more trips with my internet golf friends. The only thing that makes saying goodbye to friends is knowing that you’ll see them again in the future, and even if it’s months or years later it’ll be just like you were together yesterday.
As last call at the bar inside The Manor hotel occurred and goodbyes became more frequent it occurred to me that the end of my first golf trip was coming to a close. I can’t remember anything that was discussed due to the numerous drinks that were being handed to me from all directions, but I can remember all the faces that were there and all the laughs and hugs that were shared amongst all us friends. It was the unofficial conclusion to The Donnybrook at Pinehurst, and officially the moment that I knew that I had found a place where I felt like I belonged.
In the days after the trip messages and photos began to fill the WhatsApp group text and the thread in The Refuge. One message in particular, its author does get paid to write for a living so we should expect that. It was from Kevin Van Valkenburg who was amongst us group of avid golfers. In his message there was one short sentence that stuck me and led me to write this today, “I am just grateful I found my tribe.” Those eight words summed the weekend and really this small section of the internet golf world up for me. I am very thankful that I have found this group of golf sickos who are just as passionate about the game I love as I am.
As always thank you for taking a few moments out of your day to read my blog.
Thank you,
Ben
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