To make sure you understand the content of this post I feel it’s important to say that I started this post on Tuesday June 5th and finished it on Sunday July 1st. I also apologize for any grammatical errors in this post; parts of it were very emotional for me to write and I may not always have been at my best with my grammar.
Sitting here in the hospital six days post birth of our daughter looking at my wife connected to numerous IV lines and wires I’m in a bit of a shocked state. We ended up back here in the hospital the evening of postpartum day 5 of due to my wife feeling light headed and having shortness of breath. After arriving at the hospital the nurses and doctors ran numerous tests and determined that she had very elevated blood pressure and signs of Preeclampsia. Once I heard all this my heart started to race and I was terrified, but as a husband I kept my emotions hidden to be strong for my wife. I had to be her strength as I could see how terrified she was at this moment. It was my time to step up as a husband and a father and take care of my wife and my daughter (Who I really felt like I wasn’t ready to take care of; I had never taken care of a child before and now I had this 5-day old child who outside of feeding I had to solely take care of) I had to set my emotions to the side. Not until our friend Rashida showed up to the hospital and I left the hospital to run home and grab a couple things did I burst into tears and let my emotions go.
(Thank God for our friends! Especially to our neighbors Emily and Kyle for taking care of our dogs and to Barnett’s Nanny Rashida for staying with Cagney while I ran to the house to grab our things. As well as Cagney’s friend Shena for coming and sitting with Cagney and just being a supportive friend.)
All this has led me to write this blog post to try and shed a little bit of light from a husband’s perspective of watching your wife go through pregnancy and child birth. Disclaimer: I am in no way giving any professional or medical advice. This is merely my thoughts on my experience as a first-time dad. I’ll be using wife throughout this blog post and I don’t mean to offend anyone reading this by only using wife.; so whether it’s your wife, fiancé, girlfriend, significant other, partner, etc. I’m referring to them when I say wife.
Thinking of how I wanted to structure this blog post I thought it would be best to write a brief 1-2 paragraph synopsis on what I consider the 5 stages of pregnancy and childbirth: Finding out You’re Going to be a Dad (First Trimester), Preparing to be a Dad (Second Trimester), **** I’m Really About to be a Dad! (Third Trimester), Watching Your Wife/Significant Other go Through Labor and Watching Your Child be Born, **** I’m a Dad!!!.
Finding out You’re Going to be a Dad (First Trimester)
I still vividly remember the day that Cagney told me that she thought she was pregnant. We were out to lunch and she had a glass of wine and she took a sip and said it made her felt sick. She was three days late and continued to not feel well the rest of the day. She was convinced that she was pregnant, but I didn’t want to get excited until I knew for sure. A few days later she took two pregnancy tests, one came back positive and one came back negative. I wanted to be excited but 50/50 just wasn’t good enough for me; so later that day I went and got two more pregnancy test which both tested positive and that was moment I knew I was going to be a dad.
For the next two weeks or so I began to imagine myself as a father. It seemed so hard to grasp at the time; which it may be for you as well if you’re reading this and still in the beginning stages of pregnancy (well not you but your wife). While three positive pregnancy tests told me I was going to be a dad it still didn’t seem quite real. You may find it difficult for yourself to truly grasp the fact that you’re soon going to be a dad. Whether you and your wife were actively trying to get pregnant or the news was a surprise to you both you may not really be able to fully wrap your head around this big news. Your wife will likely be going through the first physical changes that come with pregnancy (hormonal swings and morning sickness), but you won’t have those same reminders that you’re really about to be a parent.
For me the moment that it truly became real is when we went to my wife’s first doctor appointment with her OB and I heard our daughter’s heartbeat (of course at time I didn’t she was a girl). I was cool calm and collected going into that doctor appointment like you’ll probably be… And then I heard the heartbeat, and the tears started streaming down my face. It was real at that moment. I had created a life. My wife and I had come together and created another person. I highly recommend that you go to every doctor appointment with your wife as you can. Especially the ones at the beginning, and DO NOT miss and ultrasound.
Side note: Telling your parents that you’re going to be a parent is a pretty awesome moment!
Preparing to be a Dad (Second Trimester)
This will likely be the time of the pregnancy where your wife will be feeling her best. The morning sickness of the first trimester may have subsided by now, and she’ll likely not be as uncomfortable as she will be in the third trimester as her belly gets larger.
One really exciting thing that typically happens during this time is finding out the gender of your child if you choose to do so. Whether you find out in the sonogram room with just your wife or at an elaborate gender reveal party with your family and friends it’s a very special moment.
During the second trimester is a great time to start new parent classes. I can only assume that most hospitals nowadays offer new parent classes due to the offerings of our hospital. You’ll be surprised of the things that you’ll learn; a lot of times from the questions of others in the class that you had never even thought to ask. Anything and everything from when you should head to the hospital when your wife is in labor to how you should always wipe from front to back (clean to dirty) when changing a little girl’s diaper. ASK QUESTIONS! Ask any and every question you can think of. Ask for clarification on anything that seems a little fuzzy. We didn’t and it altered our birth plan once we actually got to the hospital after my wife’s water broke:
So my wife was planning on going natural; meaning no epidural. This sounded great because we were told in Oschner Baptist’s New Parenting Classes that they have alternative pain coping methods. They mentioned the options of laboring in a tub with warm water and the use of nitrous oxide (laughing gas). Sound great right? Of course! Not until we got to the hospital after my wife’s water broke did we find out that you have to be 6 cm dilated to labor in the tub and you have to be 9 cm dilated to use the nitrous oxide. Finding out this information put my wife into a really bad mood and I believe increased her pain due to the stress it caused. Ultimately she ended up getting an epidural which she did not really want.
I say all that to tell you ask questions and clarifications!
**** I’m Really About to be a Dad! (Third Trimester)
At this point of the pregnancy it’s probably really starting to hit you that you’re about to be a dad. If you’re finding out the gender of your child you probably know it by now. You’re probably starting to get gifts from baby showers. You may even be getting close to finishing the nursery. With so many things going on at this time you may not have time to really sit back and think about your feelings at this time. But remember even though you’re not physically having you need to take time to really think about what is about to happen. You’re about to be a dad!
As with the entire pregnancy your wife is going to be uncomfortable, but especially so now because she’s coming towards the end of the pregnancy and your child will be going through rapid weight growth. During this time your wife is going to be very uncomfortable and in pain and unfortunately there’s just nothing that you can do. You can rub her feet. You can make give her massages with scented oils. You can get her every single snack that she could every dream. You can do all these things and more, but unfortunately you can’t cure her pain during this time.
During the last month to month and a half of pregnancy your wife will now be going to the doctor every week, and your doctor will of course ask if you have any questions. Ask any and every question you can think of. If you think of something randomly during the day type it in your phone so you don’t forget it when you get to the doctor’s office. If y’all have a birth plan go over it in detail with your doctor, and get all the clarification you need.
Watching Your Wife/Significant Other go Through Labor and Watching Your Child be Born
This will be likely be the most emotionally draining, stressful, and exciting moment of your life. You’re going to see your wife more vulnerable during labor than you’ve likely ever seen her. They always say that women turn into different women when they are in labor, and I am here to tell you YES THAT IS TRUE! It’s going to be scary and exhausting for you emotionally; especially if your wife has a long labor. But then it all culminates with the greatest moment of your life. Seeing your child for the first time. Hearing them cry for the first time. Holding them for the first time.
So we went to my wife’s scheduled doctor’s appointment on the afternoon of Wednesday May 30th and the decision was made to induce my wife Friday morning June 1st. I was cool. We had a plan set to get to the hospital Thursday evening so they prep to induce her the following morning. All good. We had had all three of our hospital bags had been packed for two weeks so we were ready to go. I took it upon myself to go and play a round of golf, and what call do I get 5 holes into my found? Of course. My wife called me to tell me her water broke. So then began the most panicked drive of my life. I called my mom, dad, and my best friend and told them and by the time I got home my wife had all the bags by the door and we were ready to go. We dropped the dogs off at their boarder and we were off to the hospital.
You can imagine all of the excitement and nervous energy flowing through my body at this moment. I was calmed by the fact that we had our plan. My wife was going to labor in the tub and use nitrous oxide as a pain-relieving agent. What we did not know until we were in the labor & delivery room is that she couldn’t use the tub until she was 6 cm dilated and she couldn’t have nitrous oxide until she was 9 cm dilated. This is why I say ask every question you could ever think to ask. This new turned labor extremely stressful for a couple hours until ultimately my wife decided to get an epidural.
Seeing your wife or fiancée or significant other or whomever it may be in the amount of pain they will be in during labor is crippling. You’ll feel like there’s nothing that you can do. You’ll feel like your helpless to help her. But don’t worry cause just being there is enough to her… And please if you’re hungry and going to eat go and eat in the waiting room; not in front of her.
I don’t even know what to write about the moment your child is born. I remember crying the moment that I saw my little girl for the first time. I remember crying again when I looked at my wife and saw her crying as we both heard her Barnett for the first time. I remember crying when I went over to cut the umbilical cord and she grabbed my finger as I was talking to her. Tearing up a bit right now thinking back on that moment. I’ll just say this. Enjoy it. Take it all in. Cherish it. And if you can please do skin to skin with your child; I did and it just made me feel connected with my daughter in a way I’ll never forget. Children are connected to their mothers from the time that they spend in their womb, and having that first moment to connect with your child is something to cherish.
**** I’m a Dad!!!
Being a dad is just awesome. From the first moment my daughter held my finger to the diaper I just had to get up to change. Sleepless nights taking care of your child are nothing at all like sleepless nights studying for exams. As I am finishing this post my daughter Barnett is now almost a month old and it has been the most exciting, tiring, stressful, and rewarding month of my life. The way that your child looks at you with those beautiful eyes of theirs is something that can’t be explained. Enjoy every moment! I was lucky enough to be able to take two weeks paternity leave from work to be home with wife and daughter and I wish it would have been two months.
Don’t be afraid! You’ll figure it all out. The good thing about your newborn child is that they have no idea when you’ve done something wrong. I had never changed a diaper until I changed my daughter’s diaper in the hospital and I must say it just comes natural. Changing diapers, bathing, swaddling, consoling, etc. are all things that somehow you just figure out how to do. Guess it’s a bit of fatherhood intuition.
Now I must say in regard to consoling your child you may find at times that there’s just nothing you can do. Sometimes your child with just want their mother. If your wife is breastfeeding then there’s just no way that you as dad can compete with mom. I’m not ashamed to say that I went through a three-day funk where I just couldn’t console my daughter. She was going through a stage called “cluster feeding” where she was feeding every hour. It was three days of basically eat, diaper change, sleep, and repeat. So when she would cry the only thing she wanted was to eat; so there was really nothing that I as dad could to. It was a very tough and low three days for me and I am saying that hear so that I can help someone else who may go through a similar situation.
I really do hope that has helped you in some way. Whether that’s helping ease your mind a bit or helping you to make sure you ask the right questions when you have the opportunity to.
God Bless,
Ben
If you’ve made it to the end of this blog post you’ll be happy to know that I am finishing this blog post a day later with my one week old daughter sleeping on my chest as my wife is out for a walk at Audubon Park.
This is such a beautiful post and truly eye-opening to some of the things my husband may have experienced during the pregnancy and birth of our daughter 2 years.
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability.